It’s easy to fantasize

About and ideal world

where two people love each other forever

it’s hard to keep it up. 

I wonder if we can have that if we worked on it, 

or if it isn’t meant for us. 

I am happy I found someone like you 

and I’m ready for whatever comes

if we’re going to part

I’ll see you in a good light

you did have bad traits and so did I 

but you’ve taught me a lot about myself

and I loved you for all the feelings you had

I wish we could cherrish each other again

like we did when we first dated

I wish I could feel that intimate connection 

always and forever

I don’t know if it could happen

if I’m being nostalgic 

I know if two people wanna spend their lives together

they must be sure that they will keep loving each other

And caring for each other

This time

I will accept the pain. 

Whatever you decide

I don’t care for rebounds 

what I learned from you

is that I can’t be free 

to jump on anyone I like

and pretend it didn’t happen 

pretend it won’t affect me

or my future. 

I want a good future

I want a person to share my life with

and be loved for who I am

even if I’m difficult to love

I can make it easy if I changed

if I’m determined 

if the other person finds it easy. 

I never realized how uncaring I was

about myself and about men

and them about me. 

Now I want to care, I must have a better life

better partners 

treat the person with love and respect 

because I can’t expect respect 

if I don’t give it to myself

5 AM friend

There’s no shame in feeling that you were the one. 

There’s no shame in confusion, 

I admit my feelings, 

I admit my reluctance to picture a future together. 

It’s not you nor me

we couldn’t have avoided this

I guess we fell in love with the monent

the idea we had of each other

the possibility of us being good together

the fantasies we shared

the beautiful feelings we felt. 

Now that the honeymoon phase is over

what changed? 

Maybe nothing, maybe we hurt each other

I never thought you’d hurt me

you never thought I’d hurt you

but we both did 

and it pains me, because I always think

we should look after each other

not the opposite. 

I don’t know if it will work out between us

or if we’re meant to be

and me losing hope isn’t helping. 

It’s been a while that I’m having doubts about us, 

what will make them go away? 

I don’t know anymore 

I look at you sometimes and I say to myself there’s no way we can continue together

that we’re going to fight everyday

that we’re going to end up in divorce 

that we’re going to eventually hate each other

and as I feel all these feelings

that are hurtful to us

you on the other hand aren’t tolerating me anymore

Sometimes I feel you want someone else

and you feel the same. 

I know you love me

I know I loved you

now I’m confused

about us

Nobody reads my blog anymore

who reads this blog? no one i know

no one at all.

Now I can finally declare my freedom of speech. I speak to walls, to myself, in hopes my feelings will be find one day, by a faraway stranger. 

I have reached a point where I’m resenting my boyfriend, everything he does irritates me or upsets me or hurts me in some way that isn’t obvious to him. 

This feeling is familiar, kind of what I felt towards ny ex, didn’t expect I’d feel it again, with my current mate. 

Why I resent him? 

Because I have seen an ugly side of him, a side I can’t understand. Why are you so cold and mean at times? 

It makes me wonder if his love is like this or if it was some play or some illusion. 

He is still the same, he says. 

Have I changed? have my tolerance for him changed? 

I went through a very upsetting phase and I still hate him for it. Just as I scarred him he scarred me too. 

What pains me is that he thinks his scars are bigger than mine. 

It took me lots of time to make him understand how much his behavior is hurting me, and now he finally stopped, but, he’s still mean. 

I don’t like relationships where couples fight all the time and hate each other. 

I have high expectations from life and love, I expect a certain degree of compassion, tenderness and care.

Maybe that’s what I lack in my relationship, tenderness. 

Speaking of my feelings, they always change

from love to hate to resentment

from feeling I could do better to feeling like I can’t 

what I hate the most is that I can’t pinpoint exactly why I am feeling this way

To me he’s mean, but even when he’s nice I chose to overlook it. 

Sometimes I fear I’m losing interest, that the relationship is getting too hard and that I prefer an easier partner. 

It is true that I hate difficult life issues, I like an easy life with little worries. 

But even if we do have that

will I be happy with him again? 

That I don’t know

what scares me is me being happier without him

it’s easy to say but I can’t escape the breakup pain

sometimes a breakup is all I want

other times I feel I can’t ever let go

or forget him 

Now I sound like a chicken who is afraid of breakups 

would I be sad if it happened? 

I know I would

I can’t really imagine all the happy moments we spent 

and cry everytime I think of them

But I can’t stay unhappy like this

what is the answer? 

I hope to find out soon