to pill ot not to pill – that is the question –

I hate everyone today, and everything.

Work is stressing me and I like it,

but I can’t find patience for people anymore.

My pill is my poison and my salvation

I’m too scared of it, too scared to stop it

there is nobody to feel my pain

nobody I can go to.

The birds will sing me to sleep tonight

as I am wrapped with gray thoughts

that turn black

at the dawn of slumber.

I know I will be losing my senses tonight

I might choke and die,

I can’t exit this black hole,

but I can’t risk staying off of meds.

 

 

Manic Episode!

I have noticed that my thoughts are becoming less and less poetic

maybe it’s due to me moving back to the city. 

It’s raining thoughts in my head

I can’t sleep

I have so many plans! 

Art is getting me higher 

and my dreams are trippy 

If I write down my ideas I risk losing them 

so I’ll keep them inside.

I ran out of pills tonight

guess I’m in for natural sleep, 

or no sleep at all. 

I’m way too hyper.

I guess it’s mania, 

I love mania 

It makes me feel like I own the world, 

it boosts my ego 

and it shows in my work. 

Bipolar is beautiful

when you’re an artist 

it gets me so high

and yet so low

during depressive phases. 

But I will live with it. 

Channel your inner genius

I managed to turn my bipolar 

into creative energy. 

Tonight I feel productive

accomplished

successful, 

I managed to start drawing again,

thanks to yesterday’s arragements,

my somehow down mood,

and my free time.

I feel like my artistic capacity hasn’t been explored

for a long while now

and it’s about time I wake the beast up. 

With no distractions, 

nothing to care about

no friends to beg for going out

and a boyfriend who doesn’t ignore me

it feels right to start new work. 

I shall do this often

 – at a dream level: everynight –

it’s good for me

it’s good for my ego

now that I know I’m starting off my carreer 

the more I work the better. 

For the first time in many days

my sleep came naturally 

it fell down on me midst working

and suddenly I don’t feel the need 

to take the pill anymore. 

But I’ll take it anyway

cause I’m done for tonight. 
 

Creativity disrupted my ability to sleep

Or is it the other way around?

The sunshine doesn’t inspire me 

the day gets me busy 

it is only at night 

when everything is quiet

and everyone is asleep

only then, 

I can find my peace. 

I am left with my thoughts

that turn into drawings. 

Tonight is too late for me

but I have set up my workspace, 

it is missing some elements 

and some colors

but I am actively trying

to restore my work mode. 

I must spend more nights drawing 

instead of taking pills 

to fall asleep. 

Blissful day

It’s strange

how my spectrum of emotions

varies within a week. 

I have reached my bliss and comfort

my cycle seems one of 3 days 

it’s a rollercoaster in my head 

and i’m always happy when it’s high! 

I almost gained 3 kilos since Guiro came, 

we do food porn everyday

and some workout sessions.

It feels good, 

I feel happy today, 

I feel joy 🙂 

I am joy. 

(delicious lunch at schnitzel, 

walking in the mall, 

“working out” on couch, 

in bed, 

drinking spiced rhum, 

smoking, 

checking out pics) 

Hurtful truth

I am dangerous to myself

my mother said

and I found her words

hurtfully true. 

I feel a void 

deep inside me

a sad void

that I filled with happy memories. 

And when I got so full

of laughter and innocent joy, 

I look back

to what I used to have

I can never go back. 

I don’t want to retrieve

the pieces of me

that I gave to others

neither I want to keep

the pieces of them. 

People don’t see

what happens inside

people don’t see 

the tears I hide. 

I have changed so much

and I carry my scars with a smile, 

For I got used to

making an experiment

out of my heart. 

I got used to the scars and the pain

and I’m unafraid

of self-destruction

and maybe it’s true

I am dangerous to myself. 

Insane

Hello,

my friend

where have you been?

you’re back

you’re fucked

you’re fucking up.

Who am I?

I’m too angry

too impatient

who am I fooling?

I thought I’d be a good girl

and you a good guy

but it seems we’re a bunch

of wild animals

that are fighting over

what?

why is this happening so fast?

is it in my destructive

bipolar

nature?

my thirst for fights?

Or do you hate my bipolarity?

and what do we do?

set each other on fire?

and burn?

So much anger

and bad energy.

Where are we going?

we’re not even in a speeding car

we’re in a flying car

that might burst

and we’re heading towards

a burning planet.

We got out of the valley

and it’s chaos

outside. 

Insensitive

Summer’s slowly coming to an end

I have been burnt by the sweet sun of August

and I have shared the most beautiful memories

I’m constantly feeling inspired

and happy

my sadness and past sit beside me

like a black cat

that occasionally scratches me 

but I quickly recover.

I am full of life 

and love makes me melt

as I listen to the painful cries of my mother

heartlessly

immune 

as a bad lover 

immune to his partner’s cries,

like my ex was immune to my cries, 

and It makes me happy, 

not to see her sad, 

but to be free, 

free of the past, 

free of the relationship that reminded me of how much pain I caused my mother

through all the pain I felt. 

I am taking off with my new lover

into a faraway land

where we share passion

happiness

adventure

and love. 

I will cry one day

my mother’s tears

but not today. 

and not for my love. 

Stupid//fight

Don’t hate me if you read this

just understand

my monsters need to roam

and I need to fight

I got anger that needs release

so just give me those boxing gloves

and i promise 

you won’t be the aim.

Train me and my monsters

to lash out physically

just the same way

i found relief 

in the things I draw

and the feelings I write.

Oh pill…

You put me to sleep

within an hour

I fall dead

between the claws of my anxiety

My mind is left troubled

as quetiapine circles my veins

I know i’ll fall into deep slumber

anyway

but the hardest part

is the morning

when I wake up in my own bed 

with demons laying beside me

like strangers I never slept with

so I sip my morning coffee

and take my time to digest

all the feelings that got canceled

by 12.5 mg of seroquel.