You put me to sleep
within an hour
I fall dead
between the claws of my anxiety
My mind is left troubled
as quetiapine circles my veins
I know i’ll fall into deep slumber
anyway
but the hardest part
is the morning
when I wake up in my own bed
with demons laying beside me
like strangers I never slept with
so I sip my morning coffee
and take my time to digest
all the feelings that got canceled
by 12.5 mg of seroquel.
How stupid was I
to hope for love
and happiness
in the same place I lost it
the place that stirred up
my ugliest feelings
and scariest faces.
I let myself become a monster
while you watched me
passively
attack you with words
insults
even claws
and the worst part is
I am not even scared
of the monster I have become.
I unleashed my inner beast
and let you see
how ugly I am
it’s a shame
you never really got the best of me
yet
I’m not even regretful
for the ugliness you tasted.
I wanted you to hate me
so that it’s easier for me
to let you go.
It’s consuming me
long after you’re gone
the thought of you
being with someone else
lingers
and like a poison
spreads
in my body,
killing me slowly
and effectively,
even if it’s the reason
I ran away
from your ties,
Even if at times
I wanted to escape you
with every chance I got,
Why am I still holding on
to my jealousy?
it’s an ugly
deceiving world
we live in
ugliness roams
inside our hearts
my life is consuming me
like a cigarette
I burn between its lips
and I let burn
those who inhale me
I leave nothing but stains
inside their hearts
for I am a stain myself
locked up behind
a beautiful presence
and deep inside
I’m nothing but
a beautiful mess.
I got a beagle, I named her Stella
she was 6 month old
and she’s been with me for 5 days now
and I’m already tired
I’m not used to running around and walking everyday
but I should get used to it.
If only, I can learn how to train her
or get help
I want to be able to have time for myself without her being sad
She’s so cute and she always wants love and attention
even if i take her out with the kids and spend 2 hours running and playing
You need an handfull of stuff
to bake a cake
but one secret ingredient
to make it special.
And alone
this ingredient
is nothing by itself,
just like that
love alone is nothing.
When your cake has gone wrong
when you forgot to add water
or milk
Love alone
is not enough to make a relationship work.
Being with someone else
will only keep you on my mind.
I will always compare,
with feelings of dispair,
Inside my head
there’s a place u belong
inside my heart
there are places that are shut.
I live happily and care free
and at night, only at night
the ghost of you
comes along
and haunts my dreams
very happily.
My mind is trying to ease my pain
by refabricating a beautiful image
of the things we couldn’t be.
Today I got a call from someone we both knew
someone who is upset with you,
and it reminded me of how stressful you are
and i hate myself
for all the feelings I have
for you
despite all the pain I no longer go through.
Maybe I should stop flirting with danger
Getting involved in risky behavior
turning into something I am not.
All of this, then what?
One mistake can cost a lot
And the reward’s not even worth it.
I see fake people
living our their fantasies
convincing us they’re real
while they’re just products of corruption.
Nobody goes down this path and comes out happy
It’s only ugliness
coated in fantasy.
I killed my own innocence
watched it burn
burried it next to my fake friends
my past mistakes
I stained myself
In deep blue ink
hard to wash away
I have changed.
I’m not bad,
I’m not good,
I’m just gray.
Yesterday I was on a camping trip,
We had fun,
Illustrating, singing, playing guitar,
setting up fire, smoking, grilling,
preparing food,
Socializing, making new friends,
everything was good.
Except that bottle of PUCK
(puck is a lebanese cheese brand)
it had something suspicious written on it: Processed Cheese
Bad marketing strategy…
But later that night, around 5:30 AM
when I was desperately trying to find comfort in the tent,
trying to sleep,
my brain started processing all of my feelings,
And after 1 month and 1 week of the breakup, I saw a movie of the whole relationship
And lots of feelings and thoughts hit me
It crushed my heart,
I went through your pics by accident today
It made me feel pain inside and discomfort…
Nothing worse than processed feelings.
Here’s a sketch I made when I was back in Paris….
Jude 